As my heart wrestled to resolve a complicated situation in my life, finding peace seemed so far away.  There was no way to reconcile the realities I was facing and it created deep turmoil in my soul.  I found myself many times postured on the floor bowed down in desperation for answers.  Relentlessly, I consecrated my life to God; giving up my need to understand and control.  Being an intelligent thinker, made this a painful death to self.  The tension built as I faced the reality that someone I loved deeply had broken my trust in an irreconcilable way.  In my mind I thought to love deeply, meant I would move past the broken trust and live like nothing ever happened.  But, I couldn’t.  It literally sickened by body to think of doing this.  The trust that was broken made myself and other people vulnerable to the person I loved.  Knowing this, I was literally between a rock and a hard place.  The pain of this in-congruency kept me desperate for wisdom.

                  My friends, the answer came.  Here’s how God spoke to me.  Seated in the waiting room for an appointment I casually engaged with the coming-and-going of people.  There was nothing spectacular until a very aged, African American woman approaches the waiting area.  She was bent over and escorted with great honor by her aged daughter.  My attention was drawn to her like a magnet on steel.  My heart was racing and the only thing I could think to say to her was, “I am captivated by you.  There’s something about your life I need to know.”  Thankfully, she didn’t reject my awkward attempt to connect.  Rather, she turned to me with the glow of wisdom and spoke these words, “I am 92 years old and I have 9 children.  In all my years of living the most important thing I’ve learned is that you can love someone and not trust them.”  That was it.  I wanted to hear more from her, but in a moment I was called for my appointment.  I embraced her with a hug and departed.

                  It was this voice of wisdom that set me free to live. No longer did I feel the need to try and diminish the deep love I felt, nor ignore the lack of trust I had.  The two could exist together.  I could love someone and not trust them.  Since trust affects relationship, our relationship does look different – but my love remains the same.  The wisdom of God has brought tremendous peace.  Wisdom has so many benefits.  Googling for answers is not wisdom.  Proverbs 2 outlines the many benefits of wisdom.  This experience has built my trust in God greatly.  Wise choices watch over us and keep us safe.  If you need wisdom, cry out to God.  He truly does give it liberally.  You may be surprised by when and how it comes – but He truly does speak!!!

Denise Dietz