“This heart is shaking, I think it’s broken, ‘cause I’m not feeling how I should. The fire’s still burning, but the tears aren’t helping, can you turn this all for good? ‘Cause I’ve been on my knees and praying in circles. But I still believe you make a way…”
– Joseph O’Brien, “I Feel Home”
Wound care is hard. It’s tedious and ever-present while waiting for the all-clear. Recently, I had surgery that required two weeks of wound care. Maybe that’s why, on my birthday, Holy Spirit used the analogy in a way that made me groan, “Today? Really?” (Don’t worry. Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit and I are all on really good terms, so I felt I could be rather honest.)
I woke up early the morning of my birthday feeling good. I spent time with God, then had a productive morning before work even started. I already had well-wishes from several friends across the pond and across borders; they really put a smile on my face!
I arrived at work for staff prayer and found out we were going to have a time of worship. Cool! Again, God and I are on great terms. Why, then, less than a song in, did the waterworks start?! How embarrassing. I ran to the bathroom, cleaned my face, and re-entered the prayer environment. Re-start the waterworks. What was going on?! Forget sensing the Holy Spirit putting His finger on something He wanted to address; try the move from the last episode of The Night Agent where Rose applies full body-weight pressure on the Chief of Staff’s wounds to stop the bleed. Holy Spirit was applying the pressure, and it was fully coming out in hot tears.
Throughout quiet moments in the morning when I couldn’t distract myself with work, I felt Holy Spirit’s nudge… “It’s time.” There’s one area with God where I am really raw…even more so on birthdays and holidays. There are unanswered prayers, and if I’m not careful and dwell on them, they lead to feelings I know are not true and not from my Father- feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and being forgotten. And Holy Spirit was using a day I really do love, my birthday, to give me a present I didn’t want, healing…at least not in front of a room full of people! Like the current scar on my chest-It hurt! Don’t go there! “It’s time.” It’s time to stop triaging this, Dianna. Let Me heal it.
What do you do when God wants to radically stop the bleed-not just put a bandaid on it, but do full wound care in an area where you feel more than fragile? Me? I’ve learned God is trustworthy, so I carve out time for deeper prayer, deeper surrender…and yes, more waterworks. I’m choosing to trust that the lean-in of Holy Spirit and His pressure is for my good. And when it hurts too much, I know I can fall into the arms of Jesus and feel I’m home.
